Facebook vs. Facetime

You know what's lamer than considering Facebook a "social" network? Faking friends on said network.  Or "getting in touch" with people you haven't seen for 24 years, and not actually reaching out.  Just adding another thumbnail photo to your pile.  I don't get it.  Are they like miles?  S&H Greenstamps? Do we get a prize in this virtual cracker jack box?  If so, I'd like to collect whatever I get for 54 "friends" and only "2" who routinely take me to the airport.  And then I want to close my account, as I fear that it's the ultimate high school gossip all over. Active voyeurism.  LOOK at ME.  Don't talk to me, but look at what I've been UP to.  Formulate opinions about me, and imagine that my life is in fact enviable enough to hate me.  Ha!  Well, you're right!  I'm the same petulant, aloof, easily bored smart aleck I was in high school.  Except now I've got wisdom, less fear and a healthy real estate portfolio.

And twenty extra pounds.

But if you don't click CONFIRM, I mean, that's pretty velvet rope-ish is it not?  But if we let everyone IN then where's the privacy?  The exclusivity?   It's like we know there's a peeping Tom outside the window and we're opening the blinds.  Nay, we're giving him a puppet show. The velvet rope is made of swiss cheese it appears.  

Well, I'm bigger hearted than I was back then.  Sure, I didn't hang with these kids, I was too busy with the smart funny Jewish boys.  (A nod to my future Jon Stewart obsession, I'm guessing. ) But hey, maybe these kids want to let me know what they've been up to.  Maybe they'll buy my book.  Maybe we've all grown up.  Sure.  CONFIRM.  I write a note...hey!  how's it going...24 years!  what have you been up to?  nice to see you!  

Nothing. 

Crickets.

I feel so cheap.

Um, okay, so you're going to tell me that you can spend time searching me, finding me, and nudging me...but when the gopher actually comes out of the hole, and extends said shadowy hand you remain silent?  Fine.  I shall retract my CONFIRM then.  Off with their heads!  

This week there were four "requests".  Three people from high school that I barely remember and one from a guy in New Jersey who apparently just hopes that 1/2 the approached will click CONFIRM and he'll rack up "friends".  How pathetic are we?  Well, I'll come clean.  I'll let you know that I have only enough "friends" to count on a couple of hands...

Included...

The one who went to Cleveland with me for a surgery

The one who sent flowers when my dog died

The ones who came to the last night of my restaurant

The ones who cook for me

The ones who listen to my blather

The ones who babysit my dog

and of course, The ones who drive me to the airport.

The rest of you probably wouldn't like me anyway.